A friend of mine who is conservative Christian asked me to compile a top 10 list. He first wrote one for me stating the top 10 things he would want me to know and in return wanted the same. He is honestly seeking dialog between himself, as a concertive christian and myself, as a lesbian. And for that i am really appreciative.
I thought I would repost my list here.
1. First of all there is no “homosexual agenda.” What I say is from my own heart and not part of a greater plan. I want to see reconciliation between the church and the homosexual community. I think it will take humbleness and a step back to gain a better perspective for both sides.
2. Please don’t shut us out of God’s church. Shutting out is not always in the church by-laws but is also in the subtle actions of the church.
3. Please don’t disregard modern science and psychology. For example, every major psychological organization is against reparative therapy stating it’s detrimental effects and yet this is the primary “treatment” for homosexuality that the church uses. This treatment can change behavior but not orientation and generally ends up turning the person being treated against the church, and God, rather than towards a heterosexual existence.
4. What is seen on T.V. at large pride events is not indicative of the gay community as a whole. This is like taking images of Marti Gras as a explanation of all of straight society. The homosexual community is as diverse as the straight community and many are in long term, monogamous, relationships. Many have kids. Some are even deeply religious. Bottom line, there is no “lifestyle” based off of sexual promiscuity but rather people trying to live their lives the best way they can.
5. My family will not bring about the destruction of your family. Honestly, I don’t understand the line of thinking that gay marriage will destroy “traditional” marriage. Divorce seems to be destroying marriage not other people who want the same rights (tax, insurance, rights for children and other legal protections) and same acceptance of their relationship.
6. Do not accept me based on the expectation that I will eventually be convicted of my ways and change. Accept as I am. If you can do that then I will accept the same thing from you.
7. Christians as a whole, both in the media and in everyday life, make it hard for me to be open to Christians. Even though I used to be a part of that community I now cringe with I meet someone who is overtly Christian because I expect condemnation from them rather than love. Unfortunately, usually this expectation is fulfilled and done so in the name of God.
8. Being gay is not a choice. How I act and how I live my life is entirely my choice but my orientation is no more a choice than your is to be straight.
9. Interpretation of scripture is just that: An interpretation. My interpretation, my reading of what scripture says, is based off of my time spent in study. I would assume that your interpretation is based off of the same. However, please do not tell me that my interpretation is wrong because, 1. It is not the same as yours, 2. Your pastor said mine is wrong but you can’t tell me why, or 3. your entire reason is that the English word “homosexual” is used in this translation.
10. Even if you are unsure of God’s view on homosexuality it is ok to be accepting of me, and any other person who comes into your life. If I am wrong then that is between me and God and God will not condemn you for associating with me. God called us to love and not to judge. God will speak for himself and condemn what needs to be condemned. It is not up to you, or to me, to determine who is worthy of Gods love or our association.
Back in my church and college days I went on a number of mission trips. They always started with a sense of anticipation and excitement about what was to come and a concern that the financial obligations would not be met. The trip was always dirtier, harder, and messier than it looked in the pictures from last year. And inevitably it changed a person in ways unexpected.
At one point in my life I actually wanted to be domestic missionary with the Navajo tribe. What stopped me, among other things, is that in all my experiences with these people I learned more from them that I thought I could bring. Ultimately, I didn’t feel right about asking other people to support my desire to learn from a different cultural group. So, instead I went to college and paid a lot of money to learn about other cultures. Definitely the more expensive option yet the best one for me.
So now that I am on the other side of the theological and cultural fence I have a new “missions” opportunity. Greg, one of my closest friends from high school was the catalyst for this project: The Queer Advocate Brigade and I am going to go along.
I am so excited. I feel like this is the unfolding of a new purpose.
Maybe that is a little dramatic but since leaving the church purpose has alluded me. Every attempt I have made has been met by a huge brick wall. In retrospect this was simply because I was walking in the wrong direction and trying to force my way into a space that is not mine.
This feels different and like a new beginning. I get to raise awareness for what I believe in surrounded by a group of amazing activists.
My primary role is to be the videographer and I plan on documenting the journey and including interviews along the way which will be posted as we go along and compiled in the end. Our ultimate hope is to produce a short documentary of the experience.
So, at this point the anticipation and excitement has thoroughly set in. I have the time off of work. The tickets are bought. Now, the financial concerns begin. The fundraising begins. I hate fundraising. But this time it is a little different because even though I am sure I will learn far more than I will give I feel that what is being said is life changing and crucial to this point and time. Equality is important and we cannot have a group of 2nd class citizens in our communities and in our churhes. Kids are dying by their own hands because of this mentality and it is time for things to change.
That message is my new mission and I can’t wait to get out and spread the word.
I had a whole range of professors in college. Some probably missed their “calling” by teaching, others were a little crazy, and a few were amazing. I always had a lot of respect for those that fell on the end of the spectrum closer to “amazing.” Those were usually the professors that were published, knowledgeable, and all around good people.
A few of my good friends from college actually grew up in NW Arkansas. Because of their proximity to the school I got to know their parents on random weekends away from school when we would show up, on short notice, with bags of laundry. They were always welcoming and kind people.
I am disappointed in both professors and parents that I knew from my days in NW Arkansas. Those were the people that I knew on this list: http://knowthyneighbor.org/arkansas/
I know I shouldn’t be surprised to find people I know on there but those that I did find were ones that profess to be Christian. They study scripture, they teach and preach scripture. They talk about the love that God has for his children. And yet, they sign away the right for kids to have a loving home. This isn’t just a gay rights issues but a bill that banned any unmarried person from adopting kids. This includes the single grandma, the common law married couple, or anyone else who doesn’t fit the male-female-married-until-divorce-due-them-part mold. Is is a gay rights issues because obviously there is not gay marriage in Arkansas ergo no gay adoption after the passage of this bill.
…That will show them gays and single grandmas. Don’t let those heathens adopt kids that need homes. That will show them just how wrong they are…
Right.
I guess I just had a little more faith in those that teach the word of God to acutally live it out even if that goes beyond their cultural prejudices.
It has been almost 2 months since I have blogged last. Two months of growth–a good thing. Two months of new experiences, two months of anger and of stress… two months that went by quickly.
In less than 3 weeks I will turn 30. Thirty-freakin-years old. Wow. I thought by the time I was in my 30’s life would look very, very different. I pictured being settled deep within a career and, well, just being old. I am so glad 30 looked different from the outside. I am nowhere near settled or in a career that I am going to spend the rest of my life investing in. But, I am in a good job, a great relationship, have cool cats, mountain views, and in a place where I am becoming more and more secure in who I am and where I am going. 30’s don’t look so bad after all. Thankfully 30’s don’t sound so old anymore. I am actually looking forward to this next decade of my life. Now, it is 40 sounds really old. Luckily I have 10 more years before I have to worry about that.
That’s it for tonight.
I won’t wait 2 months to blog again.
Tonight I was going through my itunes library looking for the perfect ringtone for my new phone. Why? I don’t know. There were so many other things I could have been doing. I could have been sleeping. Actually, I should have been sleeping. Instead I am searching through 2706 songs, 41.6 days or 12.93 GB’s of music. As I was sampling I accidentally clicked on a song that I intentionally have not listened to in the past year or so.
Ever since my move away from the church I have had a hard time listening to the music that I used to spend so many hours playing. I still know all the words, chords, and rhythms. The problem is that when I hear them the emotional connections all come flooding back. It makes me so nostalgic for that connection, for the place in worship, for that palpable experience of the living God. Even though I would not return even if that if that door was once again open to me the music and lyrics still touch a nerve in my soul.
So tonight when my finger slipped I didn’t turn the song off. I didn’t even turn it down. Instead I just listened and revisited those familiar words. Those words that on the surface or so trite and pop-culture christian held so much weight… and in some ways they still do. I think I sang, played and listened to this song hundreds of times when I was back in Kansas. I remember singing and almost clinging to the words.
“If you lead me
Lord i will follow
where you lead me
Lord i will go
come and heal me
Lord i will follow
where lead me
Lord i will go
i will go…
All are weak, all who are weary, come to the rock, come to the fountain. / All who have sailed on the river of heartache, come to the sea, come on be set free.
All who are tired, all who thirsty, all who have failed, all have broken… come to the rock, come to the fountain”
“If you lead me.” I wanted so badly for God to lead me and take me to some new place where I could serve him. I wanted to work for God and live for God. If only he would lead me. Isaiah 6:8 says “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” Throughout my life as a believer in God I had taken the words of Isaiah on as my own. I wanted God to send me. I didn’t care if that the was far reaching corners of the world or the nearest inner city. I wanted him to send me to use me to live in me.
I always felt like that prayer was unrealized. I felt as though anywhere he lead me did not lead to where he would have me to be. So I kept singing, if you lead me…
“Come and heal me.” I prayed this over and over with heartfelt passion. If only God would heal me then I could truly follow him. If only he would take away this crutch, this thorn in my side of being less than straight then I could follow him. If only he would heal me. But he didn’t heal me. He didn’t take my desires away.
Until he told me that who I am is not something to be healed. If he wanted to heal me then he would. This was not something to be healed.
I was broken, weary, and in need to the peace of God. I sang for it and searched for it but it didn’t come until I stopped telling God how to give it to me. Today there is still pain and there are still issues to work through but now they are issues with people, with religion, with belief and with the past. They are not issues with God.
God has lesd me as I have asked him to in my prayer of song. I have stumbled along behind him unknowing following the path he cleared for me. God has healed me as I prayed for many, many times. His healing came in the form of strengthening who he created me to be rather than by making me straight.
In stepping away from the organized, right wing church an unexpected side effect has occurred. Over time I have stopped trying to premeditate God’s moves through earnest prayer. Instead I have stepped back, in my own soul, and let God be God and lead (and heal) in his own perfect way.
I never did find a ringtone but I can leave that for another time. Tonight I have more important things to do… like sleep.
